The Vast and Varied Love-Life of Sawada Tsunayoshi: Crude Edition
by AncientPurebloodPrincessLolita
Summary: Thanks to some maids, Tsuna's stuck reflecting randomly on the many men in his life and comparing them in the crudest way possible, via their ways of doing the do, and the dongs they do it with... Worthy of its M-Rating to be sure, but contains no explicit sexual scenes.
A/N: I don't own KHR!

Enjoy!

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The Vast and Varied Love-Life of Sawada Tsunayoshi: Crude Edition

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Tsuna couldn't concentrate.

Through no fault of his own, he had overheard some maids speculating which of his many male companions was the best lover, and now the topic wouldn't leave him be. That was this morning, it was five in the afternoon now, and through he'd persisted admirably, he was no great deal closer to finishing than when he began. Giving up on pretending that he was going to accomplish something for the day, as it seemed idiotic to bother with the pretext of professionalism, he got down to the matter at hand. If he recalled correctly, instead of weighing the merits of the personality traits each of his "consorts" (their word not his), it had all boiled down to how they do the do, and the estimated sizes of their dong.

Blushing furiously, he wondered why the universe was always putting him (of all people) in these incredulous situations, and whether it was even worth his time to pray for a reprieve just once more, that the cruel fates would _never_ give.

Ryohei's the thickest at an astonishing 4.5 inches across. He's got the weightiest scrotum as well. Added to his professional-league stamina, he's a champion outside and inside the bedroom. (He makes you feel like one too, that is, if you can keep up with him. Tsuna is thankful that thanks to his thoroughly filled dance-card, he's been able to for years.)

Xanxus is second only to him in girth and in contrast, his length when brutally fucking Tsuna through the nearest surface (flat or otherwise) is a scarily intimidating match for his untamable, bestial vigor. He could make you feel like a cheap whore, or a highly talented and esteemed courtesan –depending on his mood. Most times, the word 'gentle' doesn't exist for him. Then again, whenever Tsuna's around him, he usually doesn't comprehend such things either –he can't. Like a young lion before an older, more experienced alpha male, his very survival depends on him fighting back even as he submits.

Fong is the longest, a smooth, neigh translucent ivory wand that perfectly suited his gentlest lover. Ethereal in his delicate beauty, Tsuna is rendered utterly under his enchanting charms. And on those rare occasions when his carefully reigned control slips, Tsuna can look forward to the prowess of a wild tiger. The exotic elegance intriguing in the magnitude of its sheer, unrestrained _power_ , regardless of its typical subtlety. Not that he was surprised the first time it happened, after all, all that repressed tension had to be released at _some_ point.

Takeshi's only differs in its tan color and heavier undercarriage, but while the aforementioned man is oft like a soothing stream, the swordsman was all energy and spontaneous creativity. Emphasis on the last part. Four out of five times whenever they had an intimate interlude, their relations are nearly caught. Whether by a person, or captured on film, those times always drove home the fact that Yamamoto was a born hitman, and thus, crafted in the same, sadistic mold as _Reborn_. Thinking of it that way, all the Don could do was accept the… _kinks_ whenever they came, however they came.

Mukuro's is slender, prim in its smoothness, poised perfectly straight and astonishing in the way it too seems like its poker-faced; its glans taking the longest to reveal themselves, and otherwise pale up until the moments leading up to release and during climax itself. He's in third in terms of length, but first in aggravating, antagonistic appeal (well…most times), and second in seduction only to the supreme Master, the devil himself…

Reborn only _seems_ average at first, but he's anything but when he gets down to it, and his incomparable skill and finesse surpass everyone else. A vile manipulator, wicked tempter, and ravishing rogue, poor Tsu would never be able to deal with him on equal footing –of that he was sure. (What? He knew his place…! He wasn't stupid, despite what his various and plentiful attempts to resist Reborn's will said.)

Everyone else is average in size, but differs in skill.

Hayato is worshipful and affectionate at the beginning, all whispered praises and stunned, reverent kisses, before unleashing a bottomless passion that would terrify the average person. Burning obsession in his eyes, near manic in its fervent and ferocity…ah, it was overwhelming and humbling at the same time. Making love with Hayato didn't typically end in guilty giggles like playtime with Takeshi did, or with exhausted gasping for air that sex with Ryohei did, but his Right-Hand man was lovely in his tearful repentance, too cute for words when he was stuttering out sincere apologies for "desiccating the temple of Juudaime's body." They had long gotten over their misunderstandings about such forms of address, so Tsuna didn't even pay them any mind when he silenced the adorable stammering with a sweet kiss.

Lambo is cute and whiny at present, and far too shy for them to actually get very far, but the few times when a broken Bazooka has brought his future-self to their present, were very promising. They make Tsuna think that his Italian men and their breath-taking romance, (in all the vast ways it's expressed: from tsundere Xanxus and sly Reborn, to devoted Hayato and suave 25 year old Lambo), might just steal his soul since they already have his heart.

Kyoya however, aims intentionally to dissuade him from such starry-eyed notions, and firmly back on more patriotic trains of thought every time he steals his breath. Well, for as long as he manages to distract him after kidnapping him from HQ in Italy and dragging him back to Japan. Though the Decimo wonders if it counts as kidnapping if he went willingly half the time - just to escape his paperwork… Nevertheless, intercourse with Danna–sama is unexpectedly tender, who sees it as his "duty" to "satisfy" his "wife," as any good "mate" would, _especially_ to prove his dominance. Quite frankly flattered by the former notion, (and pointly ignoring the latter, ridiculous, testosterone-charged declaration), Tsuna went along with it, and made it _his_ "duty" to ensure that his "husband" was always well pampered…in the most sporadic and hands-off way he could manage. It mostly involved him trusting Hibari's strength, calling Tetsuya discretely when he felt something off (thank Primo for Hyper Intuition!), allowing himself to be kidnapped when the Skylark craved him, waiting for his lover's "mating season" rolled around, and most importantly, inciting him to come all the way to Vongola HQ to "bite him to death" for whatever form of spousal insubordination he could come up with once a month. Hopefully, the topic of breeding wouldn't come up again. Tsuna didn't want to have to explain the Hibirds and the Bees to him even but a single time more.


End file.
